Thanks, Henry Ford.
I got an email from a professor today, expressing concern about my performance in class.
I won't go into details, but I can admit and I will admit that I haven't been performing like I should be. I've done the readings, but I haven't pushed myself up, up, up over where I need to be. I'm hanging in there. Just enough to get by.
And I needed my professor to send me a virtual slap in the face.
Because I should also be concerned about my performance in class. In all classes. My performance in all walks of life. My performance at the paper, at the restaurant, on my blog, in my relationships.
Why am I not excelling? Why am I not going above and beyond? Why am I skipping chances for extra credit, why am I pushing deadlines, why am I not putting my all into everything that I do? Why am I forgetting to call my mom, to pick up something at the store, to send a work email? Why am I neglecting my relationship with Bradley or my friendships with Josh and Kyle?
I'm alive for all 24 hours of the day — but I want to know where I'm channeling all of myself during those hours. It's not into the things I want to focus on.
And that's not to say that I'm not doing well. Because I'm doing fine, I'm getting by, everything is fine. But who wants to just be doing fine? Not this girl.
So today I'm saying that I'm tired of this hollowed-out version of myself I'm trying to pass off as the real me. I know I'm not the perfect student — but I'm a much better student than the one I'm being right now. Right now... I am failing. There's no way to get around it, there's no way to say it any more plainly than that — I am failing.
And for those of you who have never failed before... it is not something that is easy to swallow.
What a deep and insightful post. I know (all too well!) how awful it can feel to think you're failing, not being the best version of you, not being who people need you to be. I struggled with this A LOT over the past 6 months. I was just "getting by" but people- self included- were frustrated because they knew it wasn't ALL that I was/am capable of. Just remember, don't be too hard on yourself. We all go through slumps and what matters is how we come out the other side. I think you're back on the path to being the BEST version of you! I'm ALWAYS here if you need encouragement!
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly how I feel right now. It's so frustrating to not try and not care. I need to get out of this rut.
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